


What Are You Thinking?

by PokingPudding



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 22:19:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8596006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PokingPudding/pseuds/PokingPudding
Summary: Dan has a lot in his mind. But he's thankful for the fact that he has someone who listens.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic that I dare to publish. I apologize for possible typos, my native language isn't English so there might be some.  
> Please tell me what you thought! I hope you enjoy this.

He wasn’t getting enough sleep.

 

He definitely wasn’t eating enough. 

He was spending too much time alone with his thoughts. Way too much.

Everything just felt so big. And he felt so small. Everything just slowly got a little too much for him. 

He had been quiet about it to Phil. He didn’t feel like talking about it out loud. He felt like if he spoke them out loud, they would become too real. And he didn’t want that. All the thoughts, the worries, the stress… He wanted to be quiet about it. Phil had noticed something was wrong, of course, but he didn’t say anything. Dan was glad he didn’t say anything.

It was getting close to 3am and Dan was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Thinking. He now understood all those people who were saying that sometimes they were thinking so much they just wanted to rip their heads off. 

Mostly he was just thinking about what was wrong. He had a good life, a really great life, to be honest. He felt like one of the luckiest people alive, but still something was so, so wrong. But he had absolutely no idea what was making him feel so down.

It annoyed him. Stressed him out. Made him think of all the possibilities, making him think more and more and more. He was so frustrated, and tired. That kind of tired that you could just sleep off, and that kind of tired that you just couldn’t.

And with all the thinking he just couldn’t sleep. And it made him frustrated.

“Fuck this” Dan mumbled quietly to himself and pulled the covers away. He was being careful, Phil was sleeping next to him and the last thing Dan wanted to do was to wake him up. 

Dan carefully stood up, looking at Phil for a while, trying to figure out was he becoming more awake or sleeping more heavily.   
When Dan was sure that Phil wasn’t waking up, he quietly walked out of the room to the hallway. He closed the door behind him, before making his way to the bathroom. He was feeling a little lightheaded, scratch that, very lightheaded. He faced the mirror and looked at him. He had bags under his eyes, his lips were dry and he looked a little pale. He looked like he could be sick, but he didn’t feel like he was. 

He then didn’t remember the reason why he came to the bathroom, and he let out a frustrated sigh. He just stood there for a while then, before making his way to the kitchen. He decided that he really needed to eat something, even if he wasn’t feeling hungry. He really needed to eat. 

He decided to eat some cereals, a good snack in the middle of the night. He put the bowl to the counter, or at least that’s what he thought. He totally missed the counter, and dropped the bowl to the floor. Thankfully it wasn’t glass and didn’t break, but it definitely made a lot of sound.  
“Great job, dumbass” he muttered to himself and picked up the bowl. He hoped that that didn’t wake Phil up. 

He continued making himself the late night snack, and he succeeded without making much mess. With the bowl of cereal he made his way to the lounge. He decided to watch some TV, hoping that it would make his thinking chill for even just a bit. 

He didn’t finish his bowl of cereal that night, and he finally fell asleep when it was becoming a little bit brighter outside. 

\-----

“Dan?” he woke up when he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. Dan groaned and opened his eyes slowly. Phil was looking at him, a smile appearing to his lips when Dan looked at him. 

“Morning sunshine.”  
“What time is it?” Dan mumbled, then yawned.  
“It’s almost 3 in the afternoon, you were sleeping so-“  
“Three?”  
“Yeah, I decided not to-“  
“Dammit” Dan sighed and sat up. Phil watched him, and when Dan didn’t make a move to stand up, he sat next to him.

“You okay?” Phil asked quietly, rubbing Dan’s back gently. That made Dan think again. He felt like he should be okay, but he wasn’t. Everything was going well, but he wasn’t feeling okay. Dan wasn’t sure what to answer, so he just stayed quiet. Phil didn’t say anything in a while, waiting if Dan said anything, but when he got no answer he spoke again.  
“What’s wrong?”

And there was the question, out loud. What’s wrong? The question that had been in Dan’s head for days, almost weeks. What was he supposed to say now?  
“I- I’m not- I don’t…“ he breathed in, trying to calm himself. He was becoming frustrated, not knowing the answer.  
“I don’t know.” He said then. He felt Phil’s worried eyes on him, but Dan couldn’t make himself look at Phil. He knew that if he did that, he would completely break down. 

They were quiet then, both unsure what to say. Phil obviously wanted Dan to continue, but he knew that Dan wouldn’t do that. So Phil was the first one to speak again.  
“Okay.” He simply said.   
“Do you want something to eat?”

Dan now moved his eyes to meet Phil’s, and he was again feeling so lucky to have him. He then shook his head.  
“Maybe just tea.”   
“Okay.” Phil said again, standing up from the couch. Dan watched as Phil walked out of the lounge, to the hallway. Dan was then thinking for a bit before he stood up. He went after Phil and to the kitchen.

Phil glanced at him, giving Dan a small smile. And somehow that made Dan smile too. 

\-----

The day continued slowly, Dan was being a bit clingy which surprised Phil a bit, but he definitely didn’t mind at all. Dan had been quiet and mostly alone the whole week, so it was nice that Phil had Dan next to him again. 

They were sitting on the couch, Dan resting his head on Phil’s shoulder and Phil leaning his head against Dan’s. Dan hadn’t talked much the whole day, so Phil was being quiet too. It made him think, think about what could be wrong with Dan, and what could he do to make him feel better. When he was staring at the TV, not focusing at all to the show they were watching, he realized that Dan was probably thinking too. 

“What are you thinking?” Phil broke the silence then, looking at Dan. Dan didn’t say anything yet, he just moved his head to look at Phil. Phil looked at his brown eyes, not letting himself getting lost in them this time. 

“There’s a lot of things on my mind right now” Dan answered. A small, maybe a bit sad smile played on Phil’s lips, and he then kissed Dan’s forehead softly.   
“Tell me one” Phil said. Dan moved his eyes to look at Phil’s hand, before drawing small circles to the back of his hand.  
“Would it sound cheesy if I said you?” Dan said then. Phil took Dan’s hand in his then.   
“A little.”

“Well, I’m going to say it anyways. I’m thinking of you.”  
“In a good or a bad way?” Phil asked next. Dan was quiet for a while.  
“In a… worried, maybe a bit scared way” Dan said. Phil looked at him, his brown eyes were still focused on their hands.  
“What do you mean?”   
“I’m.. worried about what’s to come. Worried about our future. I’m scared that.. Someday that changes to my future. Not ours.” Dan said quietly, choosing his words carefully.  
“Dan-“  
“No, let me… Let me speak, alright?” Dan stopped Phil, looking at him now. 

Phil was quiet then, and nodded. He took the TV remote that was next to him, shutting the TV.  
“Alright.”  
“Thank you” Dan said softly, smiling a bit. Then he focused his eyes on their hands again, for some reason he was feeling a bit nervous. 

“I love you, okay? A lot. Let’s just get that clear. It’s impossible for me to imagine my future alone anymore because of that. I love you so much it scares me sometimes” he started, taking Phil’s hand in both of his, starting to draw small circles to the back of his hand again.   
“Because I’ve come to realize, that without you I have nothing. What if someday something just happens and.. I don’t have you anymore. I’m afraid of losing you.” he continued, voice getting a little shaky. Phil just watched and listened to him, staying quiet.  
“I don’t want to lose you.”

Then they were quiet, but it was a comfortable silence.  
“.. That’s one of the things that is on my mind.” Dan finished talking then, sniffing and quickly wiping away tears that escaped to his cheeks, not daring to look at Phil. Phil now, too, moved his eyes to watch their hands. It took Phil a while to think what to say first.

“I think about that kind of stuff too, you know” he said.   
“A lot. And yeah, love. It can be quite scary sometimes. And love makes you think.” he continued. He felt Dan’s eyes on him, but now he kept looking at their hands.  
“But I can’t imagine a future where I’m alone, either. I can’t imagine a future without you in it. It doesn’t feel right.” Phil said, voice quiet and soft. He looked at the brown eyes staring at him now, allowing himself to get lost in that shade of brown for a while.   
“I love you too, so much it scares me sometimes. But it’s okay. You’re going to be okay, I’m not leaving you.” 

“Promise?” Dan asked quietly, he sounded vulnerable, so small. Phil nodded and left a kiss on his head.  
“I promise. You promise me that you’re going to be here?” Phil then asked, looking Dan in the eyes. A small smile played on Dan’s lips. He softly kissed Phil, then rested his head on Phil’s shoulder.  
“I promise.”

\-----

It became a thing then. They found themselves wrapped around each other’s arms on the couch, being quiet first and then Phil would ask “What are you thinking?”.

And every time Dan would answer the same, “There’s a lot of things on my mind right now.”

And then Phil would ask Dan to explain one thing, and he did. An evening after evening Dan would explain his thoughts, everything troubling and worrying him. He talked about family, the future, his job, something about himself… And Phil listened. And Phil comforted him, every time. 

But then, one evening things changed.

“What are you thinking?” Phil asked, looking at Dan in his arms. They were in bed, Phil felt Dan’s calm breathing against his chest. Phil was playing with Dan’s curls, gently pulling his fingers through his hair and smelling the flower shampoo he had used just a moment ago. 

“… There’s nothing on my mind right now” Dan said then. Phil was quiet after that, maybe even a little surprised. Then he smiled, leaving kisses in his hair.  
“Alright.” Phil said softly. Dan then shifted so he could see Phil’s face. He watched Phil for a while, before asking:  
“What are you thinking about?”

Now Phil was a bit surprised, he didn’t expect that. What was he thinking about? Well, there was.. Phil chuckled lightly.  
“There’s a lot of things on my mind right now.” was Phil’s answer. Dan smiled then, kissing the tip of his nose.   
“Tell me about one.” Dan said. Phil looked at Dan, smile on his lips.   
“Now I’m thinking about how much I love you.”   
“Well, how much?” Dan asked. Phil smirked, giving Dan a kiss.   
“So much it scares me sometimes.” Phil said. Dan chuckled, and kissed him. 

“I love you too” Dan said softly.   
“So much it scares me sometimes. But it’s okay. We’re okay.”


End file.
